Perinatal Counselor with Meadville OB/GYN Associates
Guilt is the feeling that we have done something wrong. It can include regret, shame, embarrassment, and disappointment.
For mothers, who often feel pressured to “do it all” and be “Super Mom,” anything less than absolute perfection can lead to guilt. This is mom guilt.
- Does taking 10 minutes to shower feel selfish?
- Does it feel like you’re failing when you don’t know what that cry means?
- Does going back to work make you feel like you’re abandoning your child?
- Does it feel like you are a terrible mother for wanting to get groceries alone?
- Does it feel like you should have it all together, but you just don’t?
Although it is a very common occurrence for new mothers, it can happen to any primary caregiver regardless of sex or gender, and regardless of whether you have one child or several. Feeling as though you are failing at living up to the impossible standards of managing a household, childcare, work, etc. without complaint, without needing a break, without snapping or stumbling, is mom guilt.
- Mom guilt says, “I am a bad mother.”
- Mom guilt says, “I am not doing enough.”
- Mom guilt says, “I’m being selfish.”
- Mom guilt says, “I can’t take a break.”
- Mom guilt says, “I shouldn’t need help.”
The narrative that moms are supposed to be selfless caregivers who need nothing and know everything is the unrealistic expectation underlying mom guilt. Any deviation from the pressure to please, perfect, and perform1 leads to feelings of guilt and shame.
Mom guilt can prevent you from taking care of yourself and demand you keep pouring from an empty cup. It can lead to increased depression and anxiety and feeling stuck, hopeless, and burned out.
What can you do about it? Learning how to balance your baby’s needs with your own needs is challenging work.
First: the first step is being able to name mom guilt. Recognize when you are feeling it and name it. When you start feeling guilty for needing time alone or not being perfect in some way, this is mom guilt! Recognize that when mom guilt tries stepping into the driver’s seat, it drives you straight to despair and feeling even more stressed.
Second: stay in the driver’s seat. Listen to what your body is saying: I need a break, I’m overwhelmed — and trust it. Tell yourself that what you need is okay, and then tell yourself that again. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to feel irritated. It’s okay that you are still learning.
Third: the best way to get better at doing something, is by doing it, even when it’s hard, even when you feel unsure. The more you challenge mom guilt, the better you will get at recognizing it and quieting it. Know that feeling guilty doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong, it might mean you are doing something different than what you’ve been doing.
If the experience of mom guilt sounds familiar to you, know you are not alone. If you need support around this, and many moms do, know there are resources available. Please feel welcome to call Meadville OB/GYN Associates at 814-333-5888 to schedule a counseling session with me.
1. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
